Hogwarts Will Never Be The Same
by Dithinus
Summary: What would happen if our favorite Weasley twins got a hold of 150 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts? Total chaos, that's what. No plot whatsoever, rated T for crude humor. Prepare yourself for awesomeness. You know the drill, sadly, I own nothing
1. Chapter 1

**I found a list of Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts, and I imagined what would happen if Gred and Forge - I mean, Fred and George - got a hold of it. Enjoy.**

.

"Oh, God!"

"It's gold! Pure gold!"

"Yep." George grinned at his brother. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

" '150 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts'? That's a challenge." Fred agreed.

"Hm." George looked at the list. "Should we be concerned that somewhere, out there, a Muggle knows enough about us to write this inspiring manual?"

"I think we owe them a big thank-you. And footage of each being done."

"Then let the chaos begin."

.

**1. I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".**

"OW!" Susan said.

"Stop it!" Hannah demanded, glaring at George before yelping as Fred jabbed a spoon into her back.

"What the bleeding hell's gotten into you?" Justin demanded.

"You're covered in bees." George said matter-of-factly, taking another jab at Justin with his spoon.

Justin gaped at the Weasleys. "_WHAT?_"

"You heard him." Fred said. "Your House colors are black and yellow, ain't they? Bees!"

Hannah sighed. "They're worse that Peeves when he gets into the coffee."

"And proud of it."

.

**2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class**

"G'day, Professor!"

Hagrid looked oddly at George (Or Fred. He could never tell) for a moment. "Something wrong with you?"

"No, sir. Whatever gave you that impression?"

Hagrid sighed. "Right, then! Today we're-."

"G'day, class!" George/Fred interrupted with a cheesy grin and a decidedly Australian accent. "Crikey, lookit all of yeh! Right then, today we're going to be learning about-!"

"Fred, are you impersonating Steve Irwin?" Lee asked.

"Maybe. Why you ask?"

"Because I want to join in! I _SO_ call being Bindi!"

Hagrid turned wearily to the nearest sane student. "Go get me a frying pan, will yeh?"

.

**3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".**

"Weasley," McGonagall whispered with wide eyes. "Just what in the name of Merlin do you think you're doing?"

"Oh, just some extra credit for Herbology, Professor." George said cheerfully.

"By growing _that_ on the school grounds?" McGonagall practically shrieked.

Fred shrugged, wiping his forehead with the back of his marijuana-stuffed hand. "Extra credit, Professor."

McGonagall put her head in her hands. Sweet God, she was losing her mind.

.

**4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.**

"Oh, yeah, I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name." Harry said.

"FREEZE!"

"Oh, bleeding hell." Ron muttered.

"We take this as a challenge!" George cried, slinging an arm around Harry's shoulders. Harry looked like he was going over the many ways to murder either himself or George. Possibly both. "Have you heard Wood's going out with Holly Forrest?"

"Yep."

Fred blinked. "What 'bout Olive Oyl-?"

"Yep"

George ground his teeth. "Okay, you've never heard-."

"Yes. I have. And the next one, yes. Many times. Now please give me at least three feet of personal space."

"Damn, he's good." George muttered.

.

**5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.**

Filch was walking into his office, stroking Mrs. Norris lovingly, when he saw the life-size portrait on his wall. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF-?"

Fred and George burst out laughing. Filch turned an interesting shade of pink. "Why, you little-!" He chased them as they bolted, Doug Henning flashing a million-dollar smile.

.

**6. I will not go to class skyclad.**

"OH, DEAR GOD!"

"GAH! SOMEONE, STAB MY EYES OUT WITH A SPORK!"

"AH! HERMIONE, HIDE ME!"

"Fred… George… if you don't mind me asking-."

"Oh, fear not, my dear Miss Granger." George grinned as Ron hid his face behind his book.

Hermione turned a light shade of pink. "Why in the bleeding hell are you both nude?"

"Skyclad, dear Hermione. Skyclad." Fred said solemnly.

"Jesus H. Christ, someone break out the tranquilizers." Harry moaned, hiding his face behind Hermione's bushy mane.

.

**7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.**

McGonagall's eyes widened. "Mister Weasley?" She squeaked.

"Yes, Professor?" George said, his arm around his date's. "Awful sorry, but we'd like to get to the dance floor ASAP."

"Would… you… kindly explain… why… the… Giant Squid… is in the school?"

"Professor, this is my _date._" George patted the Squid's tentacle. "She's very sensitive, you know, once you get to know her. Can we get through?"

"I need a vacation…" McGonagall muttered.

.

**8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore" on the back of my hand.**

"Whoa!" A bug-eyed First Year said.

"Did it hurt?" Another asked.

"Nope. When you're as experienced as me, you don't feel pain."

"What's going on?" Hermione closed her book with a sigh and walked over to the group of First Years gathered around Fred.

"I didn't think he'd actually do it!" A girl said. "Look!"

Hermione closed her eyes. "For the love of Merlin, Fred. Honestly?"

"Why, what do you mean by that, Granger?" Fred said innocently.

Hermione grabbed his wrist and held it up. 'I told you I was hardcore' looked back at her. She sighed and did a mental facepalm. "I am going to bed now."

"It's seven o'clock-."

"Shut up, Fred."

.

**9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".**

"Where ya goin, Perce?"

Percy looked at his younger brother with slight distaste. "To take a shower. Where else?"

"Ooh. Giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful, are ya?" George grinned.

If it was possible to pale and turn red at once, Percy Weasley did. "_What?_"

"You heard us. Giving Moaning Myrtle and eyeful. She has quite the crush on you, Perce." Fred winked.

Percy flushed with rage, turning a shade of red that rivaled his hair. "I am going to leave now." He stormed off.

"The seed has been planted." George said in an over-cheesy voice.

"Now to let the seed of doubt grow…"

.

**10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.**

Fred plopped down into the seat next to the fireplace. Hermione looked up from her books to see his grinning face. "Fred, what are you-?"

She paled and looked away. "Fred?" She squeaked.

"Hm?"

She screwed her eyes shut, cursing the fact that what had been seen could not be unseen. "Can you please do that somewhere you won't give girls like me nightmares?"

"Oh, come off, Hermione. You know you like it." Fred grinned.

She gagged.


	2. Chapter 2

***WARNING* Slight sexual themes. Not my fault.**

**.  
**

**11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.**

Fred grinned as George snored beside him. He looked up. McGonagall was still grading papers. Without a moment's hesitation, he took out his ink and quill and sketched a Dark Mark on his brother's arm. He let it dry, removed all evidence of the crime, then dramatically widened his eyes. "PROFESSOR!" He screamed with mock horror.

McGonagall fairly flew out of her seat. "Weasley! What is it?"

"Look, Professor!" Fred wailed, holding up George's arm. He shook it. "Just _look!_ And my own brother, to boot-!"

"Weasley. If that is, indeed, a Dark Mark, then why is it smearing?"

Fred looked at his brother's arm. His fingers had brushed it and smeared the ink. He had, in fact, been caught black-handed.

.

**12. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.**

"WEASLEY! That's the third Bludger you've broken this week!" Madame Hooch screeched.

"Fear not, Professor." George said calmly. "We had a replacement readied in case this happened."

"Oh really? And what, pray tell, is it?"

"This." Fred held up a trussed and gagged Dobby.

"DOBBY!" Harry cried, breaking Madame Hooch's eardrums. He tried to lunge forward, but was held back by Ginny and Ron. "Gerrof him, you-!"

"Calm down, Potty." George said. "We need a Bludger, the house-elf was the first thing we came into contact with."

Madame Hooch put her head in her hands. "Both of you. Detention. Three months."

"Aw, that's all?" George said.

"I feel insulted, don't you, Gred?" Fred said.

"Yes indeed, Forge."

Ginny walked up and whacked them over the head with her broom.

.

**13. Staring a betting pool on the fate of this year's DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.**

"Step up, step up!" Fred and George walked the grounds during Hogsmeade. "How will this year's DADA teacher die?"

Madam Rosemerta gagged on her Butterbeer.

"Burning alive?" George suggested.

"An accident with a Hippogriff?" Fred added.

"Taking bets now!" They said together.

"And what, pray tell," Lupin growled behind them. "Are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing, Professor." Fred said cheerfully.

"Just making some money." George said.

Lupin scowled at both of them before turning on his heel and heading into the Hog's Head. He needed a drink. A long, adult drink.

.

**14. I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.**

Snape sneered at the class before him. "Today, we will-."

"Um, excuse me, sir?"

Snape's sneer turned into a slight snarl. "Interrupting a teacher. Ten points from Gryffindor."

"Nice to see you, too. Anyway." Fred cleared his throat and grinned. "I was wondering if today's project is suitable for use as a lube."

The class burst into laughter. "Silence!" Snape snapped. "Mister Weasley, this is the sixth time this week you have asked me that… question. Fifty points from Gryffindor."

"I'm just asking, Professor!" Fred defended. "I just wanted to know-!"

"Ten more points for talking back. Now, today we are-."

"Professor, I-."

"SILENCIO!"

Fred opened and closed his mouth before sighing and leaning back in defeat. Snape smirked triumphantly, but it dropped from his face as George raised his hand. "Yes?"

"Sir, can we use today's lesson to-?"

.

**15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.**

"Liften Separatis Crotchum."

The herd of Beaubaxtons girls passed by, giggling at the gibberish three red-headed boys were saying.

"Oy!" Ron said indignantly, turning to his brothers. "You said-!"

"You said!" Fred mimicked.

"You said!" George parroted.

Ron growled and tackled his brothers.

.

**16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.**

"Now, who has an accurate presentation of Muggle life?"

"Actually, Professor, I do." George said.

"Very well, Weasley. Stand up."

George stood and proudly displayed his Chick Tract. "You see, Muggles believe in this one deity, God."

" 'God'?"

"Yes, I know. Original, right? Anyway, they also say that magic is evil and will get you sent straight to Hell."

One of the girls, a Jewish girl named Hila, turned a pale shade of green-white and looked away.

.

**17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".**

"Hey, Fred. Hey, George." Seamus said.

Fred jumped. "GET AWAY!"

"What-?"

"Yer after me Lucky Charms, ain't ya? _AIN'T YA?_"

Seamus turned a deep shade of red. "I. Am. Not. You've said this three times today!"

"We're on to you, leprechaun boy!" George narrowed his eyes.

Seamus resisted the urge to swat them upside the head with his books and walked down the hall.

.

**18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".**

"It is time to strike back." Harry said to his friends. They murmured in agreement. Fred and George had been driving them out of their minds with that bloody list.

"I say we do…" Neville looked at the list. "Number 18."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Very well, then. Number 18 it is."

"Here they come!" Luna said. Fred and George rounded the corner, laughing about Seamus being 'after their Lucky Charms'.

"Oh, look." Hermione said, a slightly frightening smile that more resembled a snarl on her face. "It's the bookends."

The twins froze. "Bloody hell. You found the list, didn't you?"

"Why, whatever do you mean, bookend number one?" Harry said.

The twins growled and walked away. "Ah, revenge." Ron said. "A dish best served cold… or bloody hilarious."

They broke down laughing.

.

**19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".**

"Make fun of us, will they?" George muttered. "Little pricks."

Then the Patil twins passed them by. Fred felt a ferocious smile slip onto his face. "Hello, bookends." He said.

Pavarti leveled a cold stare at him. "You may close your mouth now." She walked off.

.

**20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.**

"Hello, Kenny."

Lupin looked up. The Weasley twins were trying his patience. "What?"

"Kenny. I said hello."

"My name is Professor Lupin."

Fred grinned at George. "Whatever you say, Kenny. Whatever you say."

_Three months till the term ends, three months till the term ends, three months till the term ends…_ Lupin mentally chanted.

.

**I don't get the Kenny thing, but I did the best I could. Later!**

**D  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, sorry it's been so long! Anyway, to dearest Gred and Forge...**

**.**

**There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.**

"But I'm _telling_ you, Professor!" George said. "I got bitten by a were-thylacine! I'm going to turn into one the next quarter moon!"

Lupin closed his eyes. "Listen to me, and listen hard. There. Is. No. Such. Thing. As. A. Were. Thylacine."

"You would know, eh, Moony?" Fred grinned.

It went steeply downhill from there.

.

**22. I will not ask Professor Dumbledore if he's really Gandalf in disguise.**

"Professor?"

Dumbledore looked up. "Yes, my boy?"

George cleared his throat. "Sir, I have a very serious question to ask you…"

"Yes…?"

"Are you actually Gandalf in disguise?"

Dumbledore slightly twitched. He gazed at the boy in front of him behind his half-moon glasses. If any living being on Earth had solely been created to drive everyone out of their right minds, Fred and George Weasley had been. "I assure you, George, I am _not_ Gandalf in disguise." He smiled. "Though he might be a distant cousin."

"KNEW IN! EFFING KNEW IT!"

Dumbledore didn't have the heart to tell him he was joking.

.

**23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.**

"Weasley, is that a-?"

"Magic Eight Ball? Yes, Professor. It is."

Firenze closed his eyes. _I do not understand these humans,_ He thought. _I do not understand them at all._

**.**

**24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.**

Madame Pince paced the corridors of her precious library, counting off the titles of her beloved books as she went.

Wait a moment…

She snatched an out-of-place novel from the shelf. _TeenWitch!: Wicca For A New Generation!_ Beamed up at her.

The Weasleys fell down laughing as Pince turned a deep shade of reddish purple, then shrieked and beat them out of the library.

.

**25. Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Pwned!"**

"PWNED! EFFING PWNED!"

Harry kicked down the door to see-.

"OH! _OH!_" He covered Ron and Hermione's eyes. "Winky!"

Winky froze. "Master Harry!" She squeaked.

Harry turned his angry gaze to Fred and George. "Just what are you gentlemen doing?"

"Oh, just watching our House Elf." Fred said.

"_Your_ House Elf?" Hermione screeched.

"Yes, ours. Didn't we just yell 'Pwned'?" George said.

Ron looked at them with disgust. "I am ashamed to call you lot my brothers."

.

**26. I am not a sloth Animagus.**

Sirius closed his eyes. "Bloody menaces, the lot of you." He muttered.

"What's that, Padfoot?" Fred said cheerfully.

" 'Ey, I thought you two died." Mad-eye said. "Wait, I thought _I_ died."

"This is bloody strange." James said, looking around the table. "Ah, well. How're you blokes doing?"

"Can't complain." Tonks said. "Oh, Lily, we have so much catching up to do!"

"Hm." Cedric said, looking at his hand. "This is really interesting. I'm not sparkling anymore." Lupin shuddered.

Dumbledore beamed as the 'deceased' began to chat like it was nothing out of the ordinary. But it slid off his face as he heard Fred speak up.

"I think I'm a sloth Animagus."

.

**27. I am not a tribble Animagus.**

The deceased stared at the Weasley with horror and disgust. "Of course." Mad-eye muttered.

"Fred." Tonks said gently, her voice strained with forced calm. "I want you to listen to me. You. Are not. A sloth Animagus."

"Well, fine then. If I'm not, I'm a tribble Animagus." Fred said.

James put his head in his hands. "God help us."

"I hear you, mate." Sirius said. Lily sympathetically patted her husband's hand.

It was a very long, very weird day.

.

**28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.**

Neville's eyes widened. "Snake," He managed to squeak out.

George smirked as he stroked the python's head. "You like it? Her name's Nagini." Neville paled.

Ginny screamed from upstairs. "Ginny!" Harry immediately cried, sprinting up to the girls' dormitory.

"Bloody hell!" She screamed. "There's a _Tasmanian devil_ under my bed!"

They could practically hear Harry's eyes widen. "Jesus Christ, there _is!_ AH! SNOW LEAPORD!"

Ron yelped. "How the hell'd a piranha get into my trunk!"

Both the Weasley twins started laughing at once.

Silence. Then;

"FRED! GEORGE! YOU TWO ARE _SO DEAD!_"

"You'll have to catch us first." They bolted.

.

**29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.**

"Therefore, dearest children, if you really _are_ little witches and wizards, you weigh the same as a duck!" George said to the group of wide-eyed First Years. "Now. Who's up first?"

"Wait," A girl said. "That makes no sense."

"Yes it does. You just don't geddit. You'll be first." He took her wrist and dragged her towards the scale to be stopped by a glowering James.

"What, pray tell, are you doing?"

"Blimey, is that you, Harry?" Fred cried. "No, wait. You must be James! Bloody hell, the dead are walking the streets these days…"

.

**30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.**

Okay, this is just gonna get really, really violent.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey, I decided to redo the Kenny thing. Thanks to everyone who helped me figure it out! (Yeah, I don't have TV at my house. =P) Anyway...**

.

**20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.**

Lupin stared at George. "My. Name. Is. Not. Kenny."

"Riiiigggghhhhtttt." George said. "Then why are you the DADA teacher?"

"Because I applied."

"Right! Every year, the DADA teacher dies! Coincidence? I think not."

Murder started to seem like the only option.

.

**Continuing...**

**.**

**31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.**

"You've been up for sixteen hours straight watching nothing but 'Doctor Who'?" Hermione cried.

George nodded, his eyes bloodshot and crazy. It slightly scared her. "Yep. And guess what!"

"What, George?" She sighed.

"I have a Dalek Patronus!"

Hermione gently took his hand. "C'mon, George. I'm taking you to the hospital wing. And hopefully the therapist."

.

**32. I will not lick Trevor.**

"What are you doing?" Ron said.

"Twying tho get warths on my tongth." George said.

Ron stared blankly, then said. "You know what's sad? I'm used to this stuff."

"One would hope." Trevor said. "Hello, by the way. And could you please remove your tongue? It's quite awkward."

"HOLY-!"

.

**33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.**

Fred raised his hand. "Professor, what is-?"

"WEASLEY!"

"Sorry, Professor." Fred said hurriedly. He had a feeling that he would find a protractor jammed down his throat. And yet he continued.

"What is-?"

He was right.

.

**34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".**

"Wha-what're you doing?" Cho cried.

"We're taking you to the nut house." George said.

"Why!"

"You're a Ravenclaw."

"Meaning?"

"Mentals in training, hello!" He rolled his eyes.

.

**35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgûl is coincidental.**

"I'm telling you, the Dementors are the Nazgûl! An army of Nazgûl!"

"That is highly improbable, Weasley." Snape said.

"I'm right, Casper, whether you embrace it or not!"

"You. Detention. For the rest of your miserable life."

.

**36. I will not change the password to the prefect's bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".**

**37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.**

Hermione scoffed. "There is no such thing." She said.

"Yes, there is!" Fred cried with a wounded expression.

"No, there isn't. That's really disgusting, you two."

"But there _is._ See, I got one on right now. Here, I'll show you."

"Fred, don't-!" She sighed and held up her book to hide her face. "What this school needs is Animal Control," She muttered.

.

**38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".**

"Admiral? _Admiral?_"

"What?" Flitwick turned.

Both twins clicked their heels and saluted, trying not to break out laughing. "Sir, the Weasleys reporting for duty, sir!" George shouted.

"Be quiet, Weasley. And why are you calling me Admiral?"

"Sir, Admiral Naismith is your name, sir!" Fred shouted.

"Now I understand Remus' compulsion for murder," Flitwick muttered.

.

**39. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.**

Oh, God, the mental image…

.

**40. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.**

Gah…

.

**Sorry it's so short I'm writing this in the middle of Social Studies. In fact I oh crap, here comes Coach Kiser now!**

**Okay, he's gone now. Anyway. Bye.  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**Yo guys, sorry I'm so late in updating! To make up for it, I will tell you that my personal favorites are forty nine and fifty. No, don't scroll down, read all of them, there's a good reader...**

**.  
**

**41. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" then walking away is only funny the first time.**

"Hey, Jordan!"

Lee turned towards the maniacally grinning twins. "Yeah?" He asked with a grin, expecting a new plan for a Weasley Wizard Wheezes product.

"How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" George asked instead.

"I dunno, how-?" The twins walked off. Lee gaped after them. "Wait-? What-? WAIT! HOW DO YOU? _AARRGGGHHH!_"

.

**42. "42****″**** is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s.**

"But it _is_ the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything." Fred grinned.

"No, Weasley." McGonagall said. "It is the answer to fifteen weeks of detention."

"Really? Only fifteen weeks? I'm disappointed in our Head of the House, aren't you, Forge?"

"Indeed, Gred."

.

**43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.**

"You know, you take yourself too seriously." George said.

McGonagall froze and slowly looked up at the grinning redhead. "Excuse me, Weasley?" She said quietly.

"You know, you need to go to a spa or something. Or maybe the Bahamas. Or Canada. Or Texas. Or Utah. Anywhere but here. You need to relax."

.

**44. It is a bad idea to call Professor McGonagall 'Minnie'.**

"You know, Minnie, he's right." Fred said. "You _do_ take yourself too seriously."

McGonagall's quill snapped in half in her hands. "Excuse me? What did you just call me?"

"Minnie. Spiffy, eh?"

That detention was the most painful detention of their lives.

.

**45. I will not tell Harry that I can hear his parents turning over in their graves if he does something abnormally stupid.**

"Bloody hell, Harry!" Ron shouted.

"Harry, I can't _believe_ you!" Hermione reprimanded, following the statement with a swipe at his head with _Hogwarts; A history._

"Harry Potter, I am absolutely ashamed of you." Lupin said sternly. "I could expect this from Sirius, maybe. I expected better from you."

"Oy!" Sirius yelped.

"I couldn't help it!" Harry defended. "I had to, you see! _Had_ to! I had to find out if Filch and Madame Pince were secretly dating!"

"Bloody hell, Harry." Ron groaned. "You couldn't resist, could you?"

"It's my destiny! And the answer is yes! They _are!_"

"Like we wanted to know that." Fred said from beside his brother.

"Wait, aren't you dead?" Hermione said. "Come to think of it, aren't you, Sirius? And who the bleeding hell are you!" She added to the Albanian whose death was used to make the diadem Horcrux.

"Anyway. Harry, we can hear your parents turning over in their graves." George flashed the signature Weasley grin.

Harry paled. "Oh, you did not."

"We did."

"And it's true too."

The last thing they saw was a flash of red light and green eyes before they woke up in the hospital wing.

.

**46. The First Year speech about not going into the Forbidden Forest is _not_ a challenge.**

_Flashback!_

"The Forbidden Forest is, of course, forbidden." Albus Dumbledore said.

Fred and George, First Years, grinned at each other. They immediately knew what was at the top of their agenda.

_End…_

"The Forbidden Forest is forbidden to all students," Dumbledore said Harry Potter's First Year. Fred and George both winced and rubbed their heads as dull pain flashed through their mostly healed wounds.

"Probably not the best choice we ever made," Fred said.

"Yeah." George agreed.

.

**47. I will not put on a hood, walk up to Harry and say "Luke… _I_ am your father." In Darth Vader's voice**

"Luke…"

Harry turned to see someone in a Darth Vader costume. The person raised their hand. "Luke," They repeated in a deep, cheesy voice that sounded exactly like Vader's. "_I_ am your father."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh for the love of Merlin. Which one of you is it this time? Fred? George?"

The person looked utterly confuzzled. Yes, confuzzled. "I…"

Someone else tapped Harry's shoulder. He turned to see Fred and George standing behind him, trying not to laugh with hoods pulled over their faces. "Luke," One of them said.

"We are your fathers." The other said.

"Wait." Harry said. "If you two are Fred and George, then who are…?" He turned to face the first guy and paled. "Bloody effing hell." He whispered.

.

**48. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.**

"Forge, are you stalking me?" Angelina said.

"No."

"Yes, you are."

"Fine then." He sighed.

"Give me the Marauder's Map." Angelina said, holding out a hand.

"Yes, _mum._" He muttered, then gave it to her and sulked like a child.

.

**49. I will not start singing 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise'.**

Snape frowned. He could hear a clock ticking somewhere in the classroom. He didn't have a clock. He heard a soft voice start to chant.

"_Snape. Snape. Severus Snape. Snape. Snape. Severus Snape._"

"DUMBLEDORE!" Everyone in the silent classroom jumped and turned to see who had sprung out of the back room. The chanter was still going. Someone badly dressed as Dumbledore popped back out on cue. "DUMBLEDORE!" They screamed.

None other than Miss Granger (in a red wig) stood up next. "Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!" She said in a high voice.

Neville stood up with a long brown wig. "Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione," He said in his best know-it-all voice while trying not to crack up. Snape was rendered speechless, staring at the students with an open mouth and red face.

Luna jumped up in a black wig with glasses and a scar drawn on her face. "Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter, _THAT'S ME!_"

Fred jumped up dressed as Snape. He and Luna got into a shouting match, then the 'nekkid' Dumbledore popped up between them. "DUMBLEDOOORRREEE!" They screamed. It was undoubtedly Ginny in the costume.

They continued on for a bit, then sang together, "_Singing a song, all day long, at_ _HOOOOGWAAARTSSS!_"

'Ron' popped up with a ticking piece of cardboard with a fake clock taped on. "I found the source of the ticking! It's a pipe bomb!"

"_Hooray!_" All of them cheered before the pipe exploded into smoke. As soon as it was clear, Harry Potter stood in a Voldemort costume cackling on Snape's desk. He began to snap. "Voldy-mort, Voldy-mort, oh Voldy-voldy-voldy-voldy-mort!" With that he threw down another packet of Darkness Powder and escaped the classroom.

.

**50. I will not use the following word in description of a vampire; 'sparkling'.**

"Fred."

Fred jumped as his Hermione, the tutor Mrs. Weasley had signed him up for, called his name. "Yeah, Granger?"

"What is one word to describe a vampire."

A grin soared across his face. "Sparkling."

The doors were busted down, and a hoard of rabid girls flew in, wearing 'I Love Edward' shirts.

"_WHO LET THE FANIRLS IN?_" Cedric shouted, then fled up the stairs to the girls' dormitory. Unfortunately, he forgot about the staircase and went sliding into the fangirls' grasps.

"I m going to find whoever wrote that list and kill them." Harry muttered darkly as the fangirls carried Cedric away.

Somewhere, far off, J. K. Rowling and one named Dithinus cackled evilly.

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**I will not update evah again if you do not review! I mean it! I hold Gred and Forge hostage!**

**Fred: She does.**

**George: How she managed it, we'll never know. Just press the blue button.  
**


	6. Chapter 6

***hand shoots out of ground* I'M ALIVE! I'm just gonna post what I've written. I'm bringing in some OC's! See my songfics for who exactly Melody is. Anyway, enjoy!**

**.**

**51. I will not shout 'yo mama' jokes at the top of my lungs in the Great Hall to anyone for any reason whatsoever.**

_"OY, EVERYBODY!"_

Everyone fell silent as they heard the dreaded voice of George Weasley. They turned to face him and his brother.

"Malfoy! Yo mama so fat her wand has a cream filling!" Fred shouted.

Malfoy turned red. "WEASLEY!" He shouted, jumping over the table to get to them. They laughed and turned to flee.

The next day they stood up again. "Oh, _Fli-int!_" Fred called in a sing-song voice. "Yo mama so ugly the Whomping Willow saw her and died!" They ducked as a Stunning Spell flew through the air and disappeared.

This continued for three days until one day, as they were shouting that Pansy Parkinson's mother was 'so fat not even a Wingardium Leviosa spell could lift her', McGonagall was right behind them. As they turned to escape, they saw the teacher behind them. "Busted." Fred muttered.

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**52. When in doubt, do not ask Professor Trelawney.**

"Um, Professor?" Fred asked. "I need some help-."

_"Darkness! Darkness and death! Oh yes, I see grave danger in your future! Take care, dear child, use caution!"_

"Um… okay then." _Just back away slowly…_ Fred added mentally, then bolted.

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**53. I will not dye Firenze pink.**

Firenze opened his eyes lazily and rose from his sleep-.

And found himself bright, bright pink.

His eyes slightly twitched as he found himself covered in pink dye from head to hoof, and bright pink at that. _Weasley._ Was the first thing that came to mind. He shook his head. The twins were trying his patience. One more prank and he would not be responsible for his actions.

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**54. I will not teach Peeves how to use the internet.**

Melody Wood slowly opened her eyes, then sat bolt upright. "_GRED!_" She screamed.

Fred froze from where he was standing next to Melody's trunk, her laptop in hand. "Um…" He said.

"_OUT OF THE DORMITORY!_" She threw her slipper at him. "_AND GIVE ME MY LAPTOP!_"

"_NEVER!_"

She catapulted out of her bed and tore after the boy. She looked around and growled with frustration. He had disappeared.

"Well done, Gred." George whispered as the twins' childhood friend turned and stalked back up the stairs, visibly fuming with anger. She was rather attached to the laptop.

"Thank you, Forge. Now, on with our evil plan."

Melody turned over in bed, wondering what her friends could have wanted with her laptop. Were they going to read her latest songs? But no, they were in her guitar case, safe and tucked under her bed. She shook her head and rubbed her eyes before padding down the stairs.

Peeves suddenly floated in front of her, looking like he was casually walking, then spotted her. "Oh hai," He said in a goofy voice. Melody winced; she could _hear_ the misspellings. "I haz a Marauderz Map!" He laughed and spiraled off.

She paled. Dear Merlin. They had introduced Peeves to 'LOL Catz'.

.

**55. I will not scream "RISE AND SHINE, LADIES!" at six AM to wake up my dorm mates.**

After about a week had passed since Peeves' 'LOL Catz' obsession, Melody sat on her bed, plotting revenge. She had taken the liberty of invading her friends' trunks and found a list… a rather brilliant list. The first fifty four had been checked off, and they explained a lot of the odd stuff that had been going on. She nodded at number fifty five, then grabbed her bullhorn and headed to the boys' dormitory. After all, it was only six AM.

She stood in the doorway of the boys' room. Lee was passed out in his bed, as well as Gred and Forge in theirs. The rest of them were gone on winter holidays, and for some reason Mrs. Weasley couldn't take her children home. But that was beside the point. She raised the bullhorn, grinned demonically and began the mental countdown.

_Three… two… one._

She suddenly blasted the bullhorn. "_RISE AND SHINE, LADIES!_" She screamed at the top of her lungs.

There were multiple thuds upstairs and downstairs as all students in Gryffindor Tower were simultaneously awakened. Hermione jerked awake, then groaned and drew the covers over her face, remembering the last time Melody and The Twins were in a prank war.

Lee sat bolt upright, shouting something in Greek, something along the lines of 'Eat my pants'. Fred tumbled out of bed, screaming, "I DIDN'T DO IT, I SWEAR!" George did the same, except screaming, "YOU CAN'T PROVE A DAMN THING!"

All three of them spotted Melody at the same time, who had tears of laughter running down her face, clutching her sides as she leaned against the door. "_MEL!_" They all shouted.

She paled, then sprung out of their grasp, up the stairs and under the covers of her bed.

She was going to catch it good, but it was _so_ worth it.

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**56. I will not tell the First Years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.**

**_AND…_**

**57. I will not refer to Voldemort as 'He-who-must-not-be-named-Melvin'.**

Fred banged his fist on the table. "Men, the simple fact is that we had out arse handed to us by a girl." He said. "Plus, she's snagged the list."

"Well, we can still do everything on it." George said.

"Hey, doesn't she have a First Year cousin in Ravenclaw?" Lee asked.

"I'll never understand why he's there." Fred said.

"Because he's a geek, Gred."

"Oh, right, Forge."

Both of them pulled their wands and pointed them at the sky. "_FOR NARNIA, AND FOR ASLAN!_" They shouted.

"No, I think it's more like, _FOR GONDOR!_" Lee put in.

"_Will you tossers be quiet?_" Harry shouted from upstairs.

"Sheesh. Potty's not in a good mood today." Fred grumbled.

"We love you too!" George blew kisses at the ceiling. "Anyway. Mel's cousin. I-."

"What's this about Eustace?" Mel said, cautiously coming down the stairs. She had her wand drawn, just in case they tried to hex her.

"His name is _Eustace?_" Lee said.

"Yes. It is. Now, you're not going to pull number fifty six on him, are you?"

All three of them blushed.

She flicked her wand, and the list hovered in front of her. "I'll burn it if you don't let me be a part of this." She threatened.

"Melody Wood, you're always welcome with us." Lee grinned. "Now. We strike today at breakfast…"

"Hey, Eustace!" Melody said cheerfully, sitting beside her cousin.

He looked up and pushed his glasses further up his nose. "Hello, Melody." He said stiffly before turning back to his book. He strongly disapproved of his cousins, as Melody was a willful prankster and Oliver was constantly riding a broom and chattering about Quidditch.

"_Lord of the Rings_ again, hm?" Melody asked, looking at the Muggle book. "It's strange, one might think that some places in there existed in real life."

He froze. "Keep talking." He said after a moment, intrigued.

She examined her nails. "Well, you see, Eustace, I'm short a few Galleons from my latest Hogsmeade adventure… and I suddenly can't remember what I was going to say… maybe a bit of money would help me remember."

He grumbled before slapping four Galleons into her hand. "Talk."

She smiled. "Oh Eustace, you know how to make a girl smile." She said. "Now, there's a place in there called Mirkwood, right?"

"Eryn Lasgalen? Yes."

She blinked, then continued. "Well, most people don't know this, but the Forbidden Forest has another name." She leaned in to whisper it in his ear. "As you so aptly put, dearest Eustace… oh, I suddenly can't remember!" He snarled and gave her another five Galleons. "Jeezum, you're rich. Anyway… it's also called Eryn Lasgalen. Or Mirkwood. Whichever."

Eustace's eyes grew as big as dinner plates. "Now, Melody!" Fred and George said, sitting beside and in front of Eustace. Fred shook a finger at Melody. "You're not telling him about He-who-must-not-be-named-Melvin's hangout, are you?"

"What?" Eustace asked. "Melody, what are the crazy people talking about?"

"Oh, nothing, Eustace." She sighed. "Thanks for the Galleons! You're such a dear." She kissed his head before standing and walking away.

"Galleons?" Fred asked.

"Oh, you know." She smiled cheekily. "A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."

.

**58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.**

"Now, Miss Wood," Professor Flitwick said sternly. "That was _entirely_ unacceptable! I will _not_ have you mocking students! Now, Eustace has a broken arm!"

"So? It'll heal!"

"Mel, what'd you do now?" Oliver asked.

"Nothing, Oliver." She said.

"You sister just sent your cousin Eustace into the Forbidden Forest, telling him that it was called Mirkwood!" Flitwick

Oliver burst into laughter. "Well done, little sis!" he cried, patting her head.

Suddenly, Fred and George came racing in… with light sabers. "Come quickly, Yoda!" One shouted. "We have a situation with the Empire that we need your wise council on!"

Oliver looked at Melody. "Your idea?" He asked.

"I assure you, I have no idea what you're talking about." She said as Flitwick opened his mouth a few times, speechless.

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**Many thanks to Mercy'sFoundAWayForMe for the first one. YOU ROCK! *hugs***


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